Nice! Great essayist. You just never lose your "whatever" style. I like it. Honestly to speak, I quite agree with your view points about life, and I know well about your inner conflicts and agonies between seemlingly cruel reality and your pure, innocent heart. But there is still something you don't figure out, or, let me put it this way, something neither you nor I could accept, especially when I was at your age.
If life is a fucking game, then who do you think you would be? A chess master who commands the whole battle? No, you will certainly lose in the end.
Then where is the king? You will never see the target when you ever had a litte eagerness to want to take control over it.
In fact, you are only a figure, maybe a pawn, maybe a knight, luckily, a cannon. You know, no one can move him or herself in the very correct position at one's own will, because we ourselves are parts in the whole fucking game. What worse is, we can neither have a chance trying to escape frome it.
Life is a bitch, if you put your only hope onto life itself. The reality is an illusion. What you see will be what will make you blind. Winning or losing means nothing to you, because it is not you that manipulate the whole thing. What we can do is to act our roles well to fulfill our tasks, and we owe the consequences to the one who really set the game start.
I am so sorry to say that there are few people indeed, in spite of the kindly remindings even warnings from the player at one side, willing to give up their right back to the real player. Well, I tell you a fucking truth: there are actually only two players in the game, not 34. The 32 figures always want to take part in the sovereignty, and their lives are in a mass, including me, a poor pawn, which makes one of the two players almost exhilarated. All to the end will then they know that their efforts to grab something or take something frome this world as their own is in vain. Then they will begin to ponder what life is and who they are. Yet time and tide wait for no man, and the whole fucking game is fucking over. They are all fucked. Trust me, my brother, or you will have to prove it with the rest of your life. I have done that before. And believe me, it's not worthy.
To many people, this is the fucking life. 
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